how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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