I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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