Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
