last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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