I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
