Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
