Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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