Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
