I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
