I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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