I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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