he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
