everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
