Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
