i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
