one two three fourrrrnication!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
