Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Are my feet made of real feet?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
