i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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