Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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