why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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