1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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