My friends, they love my intelligence
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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