remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
