You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
