Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
from now on my penis is your penis
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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