i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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