i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
