I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
