3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
