you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
