I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
