I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
