I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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