I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
