whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
