I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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