I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
