i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
