i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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