she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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