Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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