I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
