i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
