our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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