I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
