so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
