Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
