as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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