i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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