I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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