Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
